Goodness From God

2011-12-19T22:21:00.002+08:00

Finally back from china! ha ha but suddenly miss it coz i m slacking for 2 weeks le! But not in term of the food there neither the nights when i have to sleep with my brother!

So wanna watch love keeps going in china!

i even left ma lin's camera at china! wth! Careless me!

Good thing is i have gone through 3 weeks without seeing my dinosaur, dont wanna go through it again! Few more days can sleepover again le! So like this feeling and wonder why! why he so nice to me leii?

Those people in china actually treat me quite nice even though i have got nothing related them, and they say i like look prettier! Make me so happy sia! They cook the best thing for us, make sure we are full, we don't fall sick. This type of love could hardly be found, but in them i see it, n it's a very good lesson for me. So many things to learn from them. Not a wasted trip bah!

Thanks for loving me, and let me open up myself again. I never felt so secure in a relationship before... even for weeks of not meeting, we didn't really fight.. Even not holding hand walking down the street i still feel happy although not use to it but dont u find it great? i still can hold ur hand when u r not in army uniform! so enjoy making fun of u when u cant tickle me! ha ha! make us like one couple only! he he enjoy ur army bah!!!

2011-06-25T21:24:00.002+08:00

Horrible genting trip when she turns mad the whole mood gone.

look i didnt mean to say that you are money face, i am just being straight since u was so straight to me tell me how bad my mom was. i know, you don't experience what she has gone through, those things that you think its unacceptable, whether you called her bitch or whatever but same to me, i am a bitch too.

things already past like so many years ago, why are still talking about it? you were just there watching not participating, you get it? she don't owe you, neither am i. if you are unhappy with the result, then change it. show me if you could change it, if you can't then why are you speaking?

why ask me so many questions about my mom? i can give you her number and you could just ask her all you want. have you ever thought of how i feel when you say all those things to me.

i have to hold my tear so tightly because i was so afraid you saw my weakness. i hate you

you may be mentally unwell, but that don't mean we have to go around you. you have your crazy anger and it's also applied to us. so stop being so childish like you can't even use your brain to think because its rotten.

2011-06-19T06:31:00.004+08:00

l would preferred no strings attached. Like seriously, i think i love the position of the total bitch, who ended couldn't accept old man like i do. In ordered to protect oneself, should have sex without emotions involved. i think its great. But could u stayed forever like sex partner? huh, tough isn't it?

i am going genting again tomorrow. with my bitch relative who is going treat me like one of her cheap maid. i mean nothing in return, just purely using me like the world goes around her.

okay fine, why would u buy present for that bitch, is love blind, if u want a girl, i can help u find someone better. like seriously she don't worth what u have done for her. she already have boyfriend, and then broke ur last relationship. and after all u are still a female. then why would u still send msg telling me to take care. like so blank and pain.

Does female always ended to be like a bitch? or be love by a man?

relationship seems far too off where i am standing right now.

is the problem lies in me?

2011-06-12T02:20:00.003+08:00

i feel like killing myself today. These are the things i really want to have myself killed.

i went down at the wrong timing to buy food. i brought $4 awful noodle. Kaelan spilt the milo and didn't even say sorry or feel bad and i was the one to clean up the mess. some body just state the comment on kaelan spilt the milo and he just said it's not him. ...

Have to entertained those kids, i could make like up to 20 times of milo so i going to have my revenge by putting very little powder so it wont be tasty. as for ribiena, i purposely pour it a lot. this is one of the method i blend my anger on those un-human kids!

Then stupid called from uncle saying mon i have to work at suntec, wed at WOODLAND! - i was like so far and he didn't even care. it's makes me feel so difficult. i don't have the lasting interested on the stupid book i read half way. i was angry with myself.

i watch love and other drug, it's like watching porn and two other jap cartoon, i am not thinking, i cant even tell you the things that i have learn.

my dog look like he is sick, mom is concern and want me to send him to vet and she pay it. When i get sick i have to pay for myself but dog is soooo different. What ever.

stress the whole day about money as i am going genting again in like 8 days time...

Then next update mac software and screen freeze. it's already 2.37 and i haven't shower. expected to reached scholar's at 8.30a.m. marvelous

my life is a mess i can't even organize it well. so what am i doing?

i hate working so crazy over money! i am not happy at all. Although this isn't my career in the future but i still hate it. 3 to 4 months to go how am i going to survive? i promise, i going to go school by end of this year. No dragging. i going to use all this time to control my time and my life. self discipline is needed. this time in my life is one of the critical period although if may not be the worst.

2011-06-04T23:52:00.002+08:00

u really so mean, so mean to me.

why can't you talk to me nicely after so long. so i won't have hang up ur called.

and why the first thing u called is to command me to delete all those our photo?

is u who created my fb, uploading those photo, and now u want me to delete away those photo, how could i? do u understand how i felt? so i just delete away fb profile, anyway, this is not the first time i de-activate, but it might be the last time...

wanted to ask how have you been, but what you said is only those hurtful things to me. nothing will suits me, what do you mean? you haven't allowed me to understand and u didn't replied.

friend, we aren't like friend. i can treat like friend if you want, because to me, what is left is only the pain, while the hope been fading even the day u call me.

those photo, u wants them to be gone, its impossible. you know i left almost nothing, but do u still want to take away those from me. ask yourselves are you mean? even friend won't have to do that. but i have no right to tell you how friend should be.

same old you, really, being mean to people that u dislike, look down. and i have become one of them.

tell me why, what's wrong with me, still have tear dropping for you? will it make a different after i have delete those photo? to me no, because all along i had never look at it, just putting it one side not thinking about it, yet can't bare to delete it. so i said it's innocent. won't you just understand for once?

2011-05-20T05:04:00.003+08:00

Dear salt,

In this 1 year plus, how have you been? have you achieved what u want to do or be? how is tkd so far? still training the Little ones? or even get the highest rank in black belt?

how is nursing course? is there any pretty girls around? is ur favourite still hong kong milk tea? did u still go to puggol primary during sat morning? after nursing will u still be going for navy? do u still help ur mom with the housework? still working part-time? what about swimming? no more red bull during test? i had never seen u cycle but michelle does...

and have you forgotten me?...

am i easy to forget? well, you aren't that easy to forget...

is u that keep me in food science, u have gone, there is no much reason for me to complete it. i suppose to move in, do i?

i thought being separated would be the best for both of us, may be in some sense it really did, but within me, the cut remain deep.

most of the time i close my eye, u always the one pop out. u even step in my dream, maybe this isn't what u want, and there isn't a choice, but what's more can i do.

now i m so in mature doing all this just to want u feel bad and i need u to pity me.

you see, this is the reason why u get even further, because i am no longer valuable to you. there is no place in your heart that can store me like before.

eye are dry, there isn't any tear left, what is left is fear... a hope of darkness, a feel of deep cut, a memory that haunt me.

you know i can get really selfish.

i hate you for leaving me alone, i hate you for moving on, i hate you for forgetting me, forgetting the hurts, forgets every single thing about me.

you shouldn't leave me alone, u should feel the hurt that i always felt, u should be the one who fear, you should cry all ur tear out, u should not have anyone else in ur life. u should have feel the emptiness each time when u are down. and the ope of darkness.

you should be ME. u should have die like how i have die. u shouldn't worship God, because my God wont have forgive you.

you shouldn't have bring any more woman to ur house.

you shouldn't

because i going to be fine,

i sorry for being so evil... i am sorry.

because what i had said that you shouldn't, will not come true. u will still live your life to the fullest. u are already moved on to a better someone. to me she is the world most blessed girl. and i was once and now vanish...................................

you know if i would do lose cautiousness the first person i will choose is to forget you. because you are the most difficult ones...

by then, i wont be selfish, i wont hate you, and whether u are present or not, it doesn't matter anymore.

i am not ONG BEIYI

2011-05-05T18:43:00.000+08:00

personalise

2011-05-01T21:38:00.001+08:00

after so long, i finally have my macbook pro!

i dont know what else to say, but there is so many thing to do!

few more days later i am going to genting! XD

2011-01-05T04:16:00.002+08:00

Okay, finally found a new job. pay isn't very good. but off day quit reasonable. most of all its convenience.. the somehow work up all the expenses for one month in order to see how much i able to save per month to reached the target that i set or my school fees.
yeah, full time, hopefully this be my last job before i go for my new school, hopefully my pay will rise after a few months. hopefully i'll be more mature and claim in all circumstances.
and that is what i can only hope for.
dont wanna think too much, and dont wanna expect too much.
ytd, today the measurement of my dream distance doesn't change much, its still so far away. but now i am serious to work it up. i have no choice but i cant fail. because that is the only hope i left. new way new perspective i guess...

then i close my eye and have a little prayer.
i said this to Him.
i will settle things that i have to. the debt and stuff.
i need to reduce the anger in me in order to go further.
self control to save.
work hard not for the one i love, but for my forbidden future.
and to say i am sorry to my dear Father.

things cant changed, the only i could change is myself, its not for others to see it, but its for me to have a better future. like Ai chin had said, anyone can be ur network one day or another. i bare this in mind. because i know its true without doubt.

maybe i getting cold, maybe i getting off topic, or i had changed. but now i wasn't the person who cant live without anyone. everything goes on. whether how deep or shallow u know about me, the fact is that i wont be the one who come and do those communication unless i need it. and of course i know this goes to both side, so dont blame me for saying i dont really have anyone in mind that i could share about my stuff.
even when i said i need none of you, dont take it too hard, because i wasnt beiyi that u all are familiar to.

2011-01-02T06:58:00.002+08:00

finally its another morning, another day and its still my birthday.
so now i trying to see for the whole 2nd jan 2011
nothing special, nothing much, nothing really happening.
things are still the same, i wonder should i believe in fairy tale that make 3 wishes on birthday and it will come true. why must it be 3? why cant be other digits?
going meet katerina for mac hot cake my favorite at tamp and expo alone in just few hours time.
guess this what i am doing today.

no money to shop no money to buy things that can make me happy.
just need save up to get a hello kitty soft toy myself. then prepare mysef to find a new job hais what again. then just suffer for 6 months to continue study. yupp...

what a boring life, boring me, and boring blog

2010-12-31T02:39:00.002+08:00

one day, i seat on my bed, and looked at the doggy bear that jin hui gave me during valentine day cause i said exchanged present, then in my heart i was thinking if one day God will give me a dog like michelle do to accompany me because i am too lonely but i never bring a heart of hope because i told myself i will never have one.

but few months later, i have a good news that michelle gona give me her puppy.. while i was studying last min ifs i come to sugar topic, and i read about glucose. the type of sugar include honey. so in directly i calling him.

then i realise when beat him, my whole emotion change, i beat him as hard as like i vein out of anger, but the other side of me telling to let him go because he will feel pain. so i am fighting against two of myself. i am so scary.

2010-12-30T02:15:00.002+08:00

what the fuck, my comment in FACEBOOK it's just passes by not like i want to argue. or puposly do that. cant i refer to sophia post? What ever follow whatever? TAKE IT AS? is simple as u have no chioce, becasue u did it. how will i know u will sounded more and more angry . i dont get ur point because u just want make ur point right.
its not like i didnt make such event before? Primary school classmate? how much more difficult to get number? but i still get resources not like making events in fb.
kimberly also did make event on fb for christmas, and we all know but we choose not to reply because we dont want to.

Mr tang make an event, maybe most of us will willing to go, wHY? have u ever thought of? because he is someone who we are familiar to. but if i make an event or any of our classmates, how many will actually attend and reply? hardly talk in class, then what about bbq? 4years of opptunities, who actually did?

2010-12-29T20:08:00.004+08:00

twomore day to 2011, so much of 2010..... another year of hope, another year disaster. another year of me in this earth.

Dare not to have another new year resolution, dare not think of what i can accomplish in this coming new year. dare not to put in any hope, because the higher you dream, u are confident in, the higher you will fall... i am too afraid to fall all over again. so i dare not to dream big, but to go by each day so if one day when i know i cant, i wont cry and i will tell myself its no big deal, but if i become succesful to accomplish what i wish for, then i know its by God grace.

i cry because i get rejected., so i hope i dont have the heart to feel accepted. i close all door, i shup them up right, not even a tiny hole i want to see, in this way i feel more sercure, no one will shake me off once again, no one will ever make me have the heart for. one by one no one will know who i am after all.

i should stop my anger, so i wont have any feeling for anything that going to happen. i stay claim, and the olny way that no one will ever shake me and make me to satisfied them.

my key is in a wide deep blue ocean where no one will stay there for long. it's looks beautiful but it dont make one a desire to be there for long.

2010-12-27T06:15:00.002+08:00

key to my heart, Jessica Jarrell, The back up plan.

wonderful comedy love story huh?

how many on earth were expreience such love?

my uncle told me that his dad loves his mom alot, evey night will bring him out.

how many people had actually do this?

but when u think about it, u will find it kind of awsome, its like because not many really expriences this so you will even feel how blessed they are. whether is reality or not, when comes to happy ending no body will even feel sad about it. whether to believe in love or man, when comes to the right moment, u know all this isnt what you will focus.
to trust or not to trust, it may be an issue that one is struggling through, but when two come together, the issue is now how they felt rather to trust or not, it's because they are having enjoyable moment together like they were in their own planet.

missing is a raction of not seeing the one you are thinking, so when u fallin for someone this will be a must to happen almost everyday, and the feeling of falling for somebody will make you went crazy and happy like you had never before.
then you will act like a witch doing all spell to make him love you more each day instead of worring that you might hurt him.

maybe this is the power of LOVE! and thinking about this, i feel like i had falling in love! although i am not, but it's makes one happy whenu think about it!

fallin for you, Colbie Caillat, the back up plan!

wake me up when september ends

2010-12-24T13:37:00.005+08:00

i said will you marry me and thought that is actually why not u marry me meaning.

the first time during april fool day u told me u been thinking about me, that was went me i couldnt control my heart beating. but u said it was actually april fool day jokes.

the first time we said we were to meet up outside PLMC to exchange phone. the moment is like one distance closer to you. i look through all the things in ur phone and i was kind of excited. and u find out that actually i save up all ur messages.

and we beginning to meet up more often despite u having another girl waiting, and i become the 3rd party. at the moment i dont care how others look at me, how bad i was actually in their mind and thought. what is in my mind was you.

the first time i hold ur hand was at dad house and we aint an item. along the way, i was there for you when u was having those bad time and makes u think that i was the one.

the ever first gift u gave me as kinder joy because ester just over and i ask u for an ester egg. that was a throughly suprise.

u said you love, and i believed that u truly do. every of those words mean alot to me. the more i love you, the more i depends on you.

i am like a child that u take of, along the way, u are tired, Ridwan once told me this, i kinda of doubt it, but i cant say i dont believe it at all, when u said u are tired it mean a burden. just like you love ur job but u do feel tired at some point of time, this was when ur job become a burden to u.

we tried to save this relationship but when u started to realise u dont love me, u gave up. september ends, but i am still dreaming, missing you so much. all the small thing add up to and become big thing, what am i suppose to do?

i be strong, life goes on with or without you, i go for eveything, anything that benefit me, i wanna be the girl u once love, so i wok hard, i know it will never happen but i be fine. if one day u were to say u regretted to go away and i will say

i do still love you.

what i did today

2010-12-20T18:20:00.003+08:00

what i did today was to stare at the screen which have plenty of nice song that i download.. ha ha no matter when its was publish it still new...

ytd when takashimaya with dad and his family... step mom told me that he is like a small kids when he play all those toys ha ha.. i think that was something my dad, bro and me are common in... XDD first time i recorgnise something that as a famiy we are common in...

later going hougang mall to get shoe, fruits...
tmrw going with jolene, rachel, feliciia and kat ha ha like finally i m avaliable to meet them..

feel like going nex with xin ying so much

yeah that all....

2010-12-18T02:19:00.003+08:00

sometimes i got so many things to say out but sometimes i just want to shut myself off in anyways and everyways...
if a person will gave me a paper to do a survey and one of the question was, what is my religion... i have the answer in mind but i am sorry that i couldnt speak up to you because i dont have the courage...
i will write Christian, but within myself i know i am hypocrite... i know what you trying to say to me, i didnt answer you because i dont know how, as if i dont know how speak but i have an answer in mind..
when days goes by, i finding more difficult to speak out how i actually feel within me... but it never too difficult for me to tear with an unknown reason.
i always use to know what kind of road and path i choose but now i think i am lost. the kind of helpless that no body will never know.

maybe elene was right, what i am doing now is just to make him feel guilty and bad, i want him to have the kind of hard time that i always been suffered. i am such a pain.

the only expression that i never hide was the anger within me, whether is big or small, i am always angry, there is too little things for me to be happy about.

in life i thought i could just get something that i am satisfied, but i will never be happy in the end. now the problem is no longer lies on the broken relation, but its me.

soemtime i questioned myself, when was i being myself? because i, too doubt myself like anyone else do.

2010-11-24T02:16:00.002+08:00

have i did thing that i should be doing? i seriously cant find anyone to tell. i am sorry that i had disturb u... and maybe u might changed ur number so u wont be ble to recieve that idiotic msg from me...

how should or how can i pay off the debt? if i pay off the dabt is there not any possiblty to have those threat? i dont know! i wont let my dog to leave me and neither do i want him to live without me being his dearly owner or his dear friend or even his keen or family member...

i had soent so much time being with him, buying him food, playing, running and talking to him... if he no longered there, then i seriously left with nothing significant

2010-11-24T01:30:00.003+08:00

will this day happen when me and my dog depart?
suddenly my uncle talk to me about this dog.. so many what ifs... its seem like it will happening.. and ask me if i would go to my dad there and stay? my answer will be no... no matter how dad and grand doted me so much but i will never want to stay there... what about my dog? what about so manythings in life that i am still yet to do? and everything become unafortable?

who can i talk to now? what should i say about this? can i pay off the debt? if glucose seperate from me, then how am going throught things alone once again... will the new owner treat my dog good like my family do?

even when my dog become old and toothless, i still want to see every monent of him because i left with no body....

2010-11-13T03:20:00.003+08:00

i not sure if i had watch too much idol drama show or what, but everything seem to have their story, then what is my story?

i love to hear whatever you tell me, whether is it things that you have been through or things that make you upset. i love the way you being confident, the leadership in your CCA. the way you taught me math. the tone when you called me. the closeness when we hug and cry together. the walk in the park, home or any places. your smart and silly smile. your hand writing although its not that neat. the moment when u fall a asleep, the first time you hold my hand. the way you say you love me. the way you gave me my love letter that i asked from you. the time when we feed the cats, the gift you made during your DnT lesson. i love to read your blog even the smallest part you wrote things that is just for me. they way you reason things. i enjoy the time when we had lunch together in fast food restaurant, and times that we need spent many hours in poly clinic. i love looking at you secretly in church, listening every words that u had shared in cell. even talking in phone both of us act cute like no body business... the time when i help you file and polish your nails... the time when i took photo with you. the times when i have your ring accompany me alone. the sms when you were over sea and even over here. the moment you kiss my forehead and the effort you had put in this relationship...

i love acting cute and say silly stuff in front of you, because this make you smile like i am an idiot... although i really hate those silly thing that i had done, yet the way you laugh at me, make me dont mind about it anymore because seeing you happy makes me happy too... i love you piggyback! the snacks you bough for me, and remember things that i like...

maybe because i like you too much, your character, your look, you action that is why i am so afraid to lose you... even when the time you were with your junior... my jealousy mess up you and my life. i make you so tired. but i want to tell you i love seeing you, i love being with you and i love you.

all the shouting, all the cold war, all the quarrel, bitterness cant take over the things that i love about you. because everything add up to a complete you that make me fall with caution

To you, the one i been missing

2010-11-13T00:44:00.004+08:00

i dont know why i start crying again and again... but i really hope you be my side giving me some confort and hold me. i had never thought not having you by my side will be this painful. never can other guys replaced you in my heart...

today teacher called my name after practical to sign warning letter...
i told her i will be quitting school next year if i cant maintian my 3gpa. i said i will start working full time next year and to save up a few K to study beauty course outside. she told me that she would support me and i was kinda shocked and my feeling of insercure faded a little... she asked me if i had discuss this to my parent and my replied was no, i dont tell them what on my mind and what i planned to do... she looked at me and said if i have any problems feel confortable to talk to her or friends around... she said that she can tell that i had alot things keep within myself that make me stress and i dont know why my tear just drop like this.. she know by seeing me aways get tends up... but i dont know what to say...

i dont really tell people what i really feel within about things, i am so afraid... you said that i am more mature than you, more independent than you, but do you know how week am i now? how much i need you now? do you know? i am so scared that i made the wrong chioce in life, time is rushing, and i am like being left alone in a unstable boat to go through a dark journey... how am i going to win this battle? i am not that strong that you think i was when i were with u last year.

i hope you can tell me how u feel about things gong about so i wont feel so lost like now... but you had left long ago, yet why cant i accept this truth? why do i still feel the same way towards you like before? no matter how much disappointment we have last year, yet i cant find myself stop thinking of you.

i am so different from you, you are so confident in yourselve, no matter how much bad things you are going through, you always get over with those matter. you dont usually have nightmare, you have no problem relate to people around you, neither do you feel in sercure in the crowed. Boys bridget, tkd, swimming, church you are always so commited in.
what about me? i always feel insercure with things, i hate it when i am in a large group with people whom i dont usually hang out with. never stop breaking down when times are bad! cant even commit in anyhing. dont even give a thoughts to people sround when i making a desicion.
although you were get unhappy when things dont get along with your plan, but the next day you will always find joy because you said sleeping makes u forget all the unhappiness, but am i included into the your lists of unhappiness?

2010-11-11T22:13:00.002+08:00

feeling so down all the sudden. its makes me feel like crying without any reason, and i hate having this kind of feeling. dont know why i feel so heart pain all the sudden. so moodless like i just have a break up not long ago.

i so missed you, do you know? can you feel? how i wish you were here with me hugging me and hear me cry like you use to whenever we quarrel. today i suddenly thinking of you hunching back, i hope you still remember not to hunch your back too much, although i know its painful, but at least it wont become worst.

how have you been? although i saw you the other time and its coincident, at least i know you are still good. i becoming more bad, dont you think so? i am so not like the Ong beiyi you use to know? i really wish to be with you once again and i know God will never allowed.

i dare not msg you ever again, i feel so numb about everything around me, many things irritates me and i hate it. the only thing that never change is the way i misses you. i really want to share with you what i had plan to do next year, i really want to hear how you think about it, but i know you wont even care. i had failed in this course.

shopping makes one happy just like drinking alcoholic, but after a while everything are back to normal. do you know how i am feeling now? whatever its is, i know that around you have many people who care alot about you. we are different. you are moving, but i not moving.

maybe some days we will see each around again.

i am no longer anything to u

2010-10-17T02:11:00.002+08:00

dont know why my heart beating so fast when i tired to talk to him in facebook... but i guess he properply hate me alot bah, he never want to reply neither talk to me, or maybe even to see me...
am i so disgusted to him like he say when we first sms? am i so bad that he had to go so far away from me? maybe i was his worst ex ever... i just want to ask how have he be............. i dont have any other intention, but it seem like nothing got his attention to him on me no matter what is happen now... why cant i be in the coma?
then just like those drama on tv, lost of memory? maybe i wont feel this hurt anymore... no one in life ever make me so painful, even my nect feels like its burning... the threaten within me and the uncontrolable fear, no one ever understand it...
its not that i neevr tired to forget u, its not that i never make up my mind to give up on you.
but the more i try the more u appear to my mind...
i try to make myself feel better even without u, but how long can all this last?
i cant even figure out everything i do was it what i want? i dont feel any better ever since that day? when have i been really happy? i really forgotten, is it because i love u too much that i lost all the passion for others thing? or i have already dead at the moment u dont love me any more?
what i know is i am not myself...
why am i have to feel this fear the moment when i hink about u had leave me...
can i left last bit of energy to see u? can i? just one sec is enough, because i really miss you.................................................

i am so dumb seriously

2010-10-11T22:51:00.001+08:00

i know that teacher told me about me not getting any marks for PM cause of my attendance but why that time i still care so much about their mark being pull down by me?
what do ended up with?

why all these while i mean so worried about the project? why am i spending so many hours in front of 1 square computer for this no body care project?

why do i travel around and ask my friend for help me to do some parts of project?

and why do he use my ex boyfriend to shoot me?

okay control beiyi, control.. honestly speaking, i arent very good, and i care about the project more than how others think about. but why?

i have an enjoyable day

2010-10-07T02:22:00.002+08:00

ah ling stayed at my house the night and we watch abit of movie then sleep... next day (yesterday) we bring dog out for a walk then go the cathay for Ben and jerry ice... ha ha so damn nice... each of us paid about $11 for total bill... :) and i looked like the one who enjoying order everything cause they dont want to order =.=

then went pets lovers to see hamsters... then i told then that centre got one shop sells many hamsters and we decided to go there... instead of getting hamster she get giunea pig... cause i went to told the person that i want to play with it... and they say i can just work here since i been playing with their hamsters and guinea pig untill very happy, good choice huh... if this year i cant make it or GPA is less that 2.8 then i will decide to leave my course and do something i really want... ling spent like $400 plus on that little giunea pig... oh goodness>< but i think she really love it... anyway from tmrw onwards she be renting my room for 1 month... ha ha... like after so many years i finally sharing a room with my friend...

if pets can really makes me so happy, its wont be a waste to spent the rest of my time to take care of them... What do you think?

God i been thinking what you want to do with me... i been very confuse... but i know i have not forgotten You... i dont know why...

forever- faber drive

2010-10-01T08:41:00.003+08:00

i spent yesterday and today morning to talk to xiu ling and michelle cause we stay overnight chatting...

Then suddenly xiu ling ask me i still cant get over *HIM? so i looked at her asking is it obvious, because i had stop talking and sharing things about HIM... she said yeah. and ask me if i were doing everything cause of HIM... i know i am, and when comes into HIS topics i felt so confused... but until now, i dont know why, xiu ling seems to understand what is within me just by looking at my expression...

When you first saw something you really LOVE, you will never change your mind of choosing another which is bettter... This sentences been repeating in my mind over and over again... i tried to think of an imagination guy i want from both enternal and external, be it like a perfect boy i always wanted, but next moment its suddenly change to His imagine...

maybe i am more concern how HE look and think about me after a while when my braces is done than how i looked like after everything was to be complete... i been working it out if i can live without HIM, and i know i could, but the main source is still because of HIM... no mater how much i tell myself i no need HIM at all, HE's already somebody elses boy, i am no longer that significant yet HE just couldnt get away from my life... i mess everything up totally...

It's meaningless if i had you when you are no longer mine. so i stare at the basketball, i think i can only left with this choice,

Its better to let you be someone who you are more happy than feeling tired with.
Its better to have two to happy than just one.
atleast i was once you FOREVER

2010-09-22T17:31:00.002+08:00

tmr test and i feel like playing majong sia... now at kat's house... i decided not to work on every wed cause i dont wanna take over xiu juan to work with edger at iluma... he is LEAVING! i am happy...

i realise the people i had seen from single to attached that had change alot... the way they react and talk... tmrw i am going for braces, i am so excited... i wanna a blue colour please?

i dont know i am confuse confuse on what to say... bye for now

hao ai ta hao xiang ta- 183club n 7flowers

2010-09-12T00:08:00.004+08:00

actually all these while i really dont dare to ace my real self.. or maybe all along i had been like this..
like it or not, i know i am getting bad from worst... things had i never thought it will be, had happen...
the happy yet tired relationship ended more than half a year... elene had given up on me... nicole is afraid of me, i had left wanting, my soul getting futher away from God and me. care or not care attiude become higher... those who use to contact me have all gone in my sight and heart... each day i getting more and more angry with things around, run away from the responsibilty... changing the way i look and talk...
i dont know why but i simply hate when people start saying i had change because of of the broken relationship. bacuse i had tired to tell myself its not true... then next people will ask me to come back reality... but look, have u all gone through what i had been? how much hurt within me, whether is it that day, ytd or even today, its still hurt... but yet u all know nothing! so i dont find all of ur word mean anything...
elene use to nag at me to go church and all... but she never know this, i am afrad of going church, i fear of crowd that's why i hate it... each time when i saw so many people i feel so like running away from that place... so insecure... its not that i never tried, its just that i cant overcome... but its doesnt matter because i have stop going church...
i used to love talking, and can non stop... i ask a million of questions and interested in so many things in life, but now its seem all so meaningless... i had already loses all, so what more can i still concern?
is this call life that u had to went through all this? it's so different from the beginning i thought life was...
i see your profile pic, u seems more and more happier, i do still a little werid feeling within, so i have to stop look through ur profile then when i think about u, i can just tell myself, YOU ARE NOTHING! whether you are still alive or dead i wont have any more feeling for you, but i think i did this not only to you, but to all those around me...
so when i feel a little more confident, i will wallk like i dont care, and u doesnt matter to me... when i am in trouble, i mistaken ur number as elene... sound redicules isnt it?

the physically pain i had got to bare

2010-09-07T00:50:00.002+08:00

today, 4 tooth was out...

the feeling of the doctor place in the injection in my gum was really hurt, so i hold tighty and look someother side to distract myself from the pain.. i cant let myself think of the outcome after braces because it makes me think of the pain i am going throught to get something prefect out of the in-perfect...

money money money again... bother me so much so that i couldnt stop thinking of how to save more and more...
anyway along the way of doing braces, since i had my tooth plug out, the result of me eating solid food is low, so its time to have a low-fat plan!

due to the situration i am in now, i am not gona eat something which is hard eg. creaker, buiscult and etc...

neither rice, or noodle...

no no to apple and hard fruits...

porriage, drangon fruit, watermelon, banana, jelly, sofe cakes i still can have it... chocolate diffcult to resist as it accompany when i had hard time...>< sweets? better not chew but suck!!!

not hot stuff, ha ha... its better for me to get some protein in school since i had already lose 4tooth... during beak, milk/ soy milk/ Milo are good for me... and same goes to fruit juice... maybe a choco muffin... XDD

i need to go happy even though some good food i am not able to have it but its okay... i am really for this beautiful battle!!

and the rest of the half year, target weight is 41KG!!! ^.^

slowly slowly save all the money that needed to pay off...
its tight, but i hope i am able to go through it... the word, pharses goes like this...

NO PAIN NO GAIN!
and i love helia!

2010-08-31T18:39:00.006+08:00

i been thinking what is the saddest thing could happen in the present and future...
what's more could i lost?

do you think that if i start to give up it will be better for me and even you? so you wont feel anymore stress about the past we had been? the intimacy?

i really don't know, but i could starting to understand what is old man in the old Korean movie said.
"A live but not living... "
it might not be the saddest words or phrases i had ever hard, it seems more like the saddest thing one could went through...

and forget the beautiful thing on this earth.... and most of all the Creator of this whole universe...
everything seem to change its colour on my own eye...
today a new green leaf, tomorrow a dark brown leaf on ground... then i ask myself what type of emotion should i put to face all this?

even if you could put everything behind and forget about it, but something that remains is the scar that we had left.

dont ask me why i keep doing all this, because i cant explain to it neither... u hate all this, so am i... but you wont understand...

how long more to take for letting all this over, i had no ideal. i tried my best to live everyday the same, like things are alright, even without you i could go this far... but i couldnt control that you keep appearing in my damn mind...

i am so so distance from anyone and everyone, i only say the outer problems but never will the inner ones out of my mouth...

i don't hope that u will say regret, even though i had accepted the fact that u were back with her, because you are just like using a knife pushing towards my heart more and more... and never will it be remove...
the day when it happen, ytd, today, it will still be raw like ever.

i don't hate you, and cant bring myself to hate you... i was just being too impatience with things around...

you found your beautiful, i was no longer that position i use to be... should it be a blessing to you?
congrats is it the best word i should use? as long as you are happy... i have to bare with it...

2010-08-30T08:35:00.002+08:00

look at friendster photo i cant help it but missed the time i have been...

last time i really think and add like an kid... but i know atleast i am happy and much more innocent at that time.. maybe there are thing to worry but all of them wont give me so much problem... but now? is not that i am unhappy with school, it just that my heart is no longer there like before... i used to have a small dream to enter this course and do well so to move on to poly, but each day i awake bits by bits began to disappear...
there is so much things needed to be done yet i have a bad habit to push it later and later...

so sick of everything... so tired of everything... each days goes by i feel like i am rotting more and more... i lost my passion, i lost my heart... i lost almost everything...

it getting more and more heavy... bills and dental become part of live that i had to worry for...

2010-08-29T23:55:00.002+08:00

maybe its better to keep this blog away from all my friends or people i know... so i dont have to keep anything away afraid that others might know... time really fly and klater few hours later i will be in school.. how i wish i have MC so i can do project at home... past two weeks YOG holiday i didnt even done anything and now all the projects is troubling me... hate it... because i cant really sleep well...
really need someone to help, i am right behind alot alot... but at the same time i really need save lots of money... everything seems out of control, what should i do?

elene's grandmother just passed away on friday 4.45. tengyu send me a message on facebook which i just notice sunday morning... i do know elene's grandmother pass away on friday just dont know teng yu sent me a msg. he told me do sms or call her if i want to confort her.

but untill now i havent even ask her how is she or to call her... just told her to cancel meeting on monday to tell her story and said i will pray for her... but i never even done it...

so kind of me even dare to say out all this... what a person i am... cant even do what i had promise and do nothing to someone who once care so much about me... such useless like me do no good to others, what then can i stil do?

i do feel alittle lously, disappointed about myself, but my heart doesnt seem to do anything about it...
arent it like an apple? growth so big and red, but now seem to be rotting...

2010-08-28T09:29:00.004+08:00

ytd 2china idiot customer went to shop and get headphone... so they was looking at the menufurerer place which is china then they was like saying china thing, so i say nowadays almost everything was made in china any problem with that? then they was like shooting back me saying china selling there cheaper then i replied then go china and buy lar... they was like dont want leii... then introduce JVC headphone as it is confortable and foldable so it wont spoile easily(but actullay foldable wants spoile more easily), and it only like $69 and they demand for discount... so i went to ask mary whether can give discount she say give 10% then i was like nah i will only give them 5% and mary say up to me... so i went there and tell the give them 5% and they say they go other stall and bye lor.. i happily saying okay then.. and the china say i will never come back again i shoot them back up to u... and he was mad untill he say the shop will close down soon..
anyway i already decided not to do their buisness... and they just being extra... do they think their in china fish market when they want discount and saying those stupid comments? sorry i will entertain back with my stupid answer!

about half a day at work

2010-08-25T00:14:00.003+08:00

hate it... my mood is okay and today i thought u dont have attuide problem but ended up u are such a losser!

stupid adger... u made me talk back to u...
in evening a customers suddenly came in to case logic so i went to her and ask her if she was searching anything... then she asked whether do we sell water bottle then i was like err no...
ha ha so she walk out and vennie ask me she is it want water bottle then i cant talk it anymore but laugh out loud... then edger turn back and scold ask for laughing so i was look at him saying is my mouth what... then he keep on saying we are here to work not play so i say we are not even playing and vannie laugh out.... he was really getting more angry each time i shoot back him ans say both of us are like kid then i say him back sorry hor we are teenager and vennie say we going 18 soon... and he turn back saying oh my God. so i shoot him saying God upstair... and me and vennie continue talking about him and say his name out loud so he seperated us... and keep on blink me... we still continue laughing even when he go toilet and come back saw us talking again and this time he bang the door hardly to show us he is angry...
i really cant take it when he keep on blinks at me so i shouted diao lan ahh.. and he say he will call boss then i say call lor... anyway i think he instead of me getting scolding by boss he was calling mary or office people..
vennie, alvin and me all get scolded by hiim like an dog for him to vain anger... alvin told me that edger just dont step on his tail in chinese if not he woud just beat him up... anyway i cant wait for that day, edger really thinks that he really very big lor...

such a loser like him will never last long with her girlfriend.. and i wondered those who like him eye isit got problem... he dont even know where is his position still dare to say desmond from office... and wait untill one day will just shut him right in his face saying he is a loser and people leave because of him!

this is the second time that edger threaten me... but all my responds was like dont care and this make him even more angry...

2010-08-23T23:32:00.003+08:00

u made me speechless after i had seen the messgae u send to me in facebook... after leaving pl, our gap just like a big ocean that wide...
now i know why God say in our new heaven and earth there will be no longer any sea... just like there is no seperation... but i may not be able to see u there... whatever the case is, didnt know that u still concern about me... i understand how u feel to go church alone... and part of the reason i hate it to go church because i just hate to face those christian... dislike talking to them... stress when its time to go church every sunday seriously...

shopping and movies just a kind of distraction... i not sure if i am still that fun to be with but nevertheless i need tell u that i had change... to a person i dont even know sometimes... so its better to leave me a distance...

2010-08-22T00:53:00.003+08:00

after i had settle done with my money... i will delete away all the thing that includes me. and wont let anyone to reached me anymore. just give me some time to settle down with money whether is people or dental...
delete my facebook, stop blogging, change number. by then no body will able to reached me...

2010-08-22T00:07:00.003+08:00

what keeps me going is ur future to me... u no longer love me. u love back the wonderful her... i wondered what and why am i still here... i am really afraid to be so alone... i really hate the feeling of being left and being rejected by u... i left nothing. what should i do? i can only tear and do nothing... such a useless like me know u leave me a better choice. but how should i substains?

who can still by my side?

2010-08-21T23:37:00.004+08:00

i heard it somewhere that they goes like this, people that are always late are much more happier than those who are puncture... i wonder is this true... but i look at me compare to edger then i think i agree becaus i smile and laugh more than he do...
i do love to see when people smiling... but why some smile/feeling of happy must be so practical... dont he know when he did this, it will make people more dislike him and making sales?
and this make me even have hard time working... time like going slower than ever... and my mind functioning faster in terms of thinking those things that will never happen, then i wil start to fear... and i hate it this way, because i feel like i doesnt belonged here and the fear over takes me.. so i must hurry change the way i think or try do other thing... especailly when i think about him...
people asking me still cant get over him? my heart will reply "how to"... anyway that wasnt importane to others...
started to stress out the moment when i think about dental fees... really scare that i coudnt mangents it... its getting toughter... what should i do? am i a problem making person? hais
was really lost...
$10 just gone to top up my card... how to save this way? it killing me more... i cant eat things thta i love... hate it when i feel the acid within my stomach yet i still have to bare with it... i am vain, that the fact and i am just fulfilling 1 of my wish... is it wrong? because i had never gone throught such saving like this even for sony or even iphone, i dont have much to suffer yet this time it really hit my daily eating ways... and doctor already warn me to have proper meals...

i have no other choices...

2010-08-21T01:51:00.002+08:00

today going work at centre aceline with matt... super happy, finally can enjoy my working time without entertaining those customers... funan was real busy... mommy going cook pork and veg with rice early in the morning for me to bring work... heh heh finally there is like proper meal in my expensive lunch box... and can show off to matt that i also bring home food to work... XDD see i can get some creakers to work and share with him... ^.^

i am glad atleast u are alright now... and good that u have a long break for work... envy you!! i need work so hard yet still not enough... hais... cant wait for thusday to come and we can go look for new job, and eat good food at ur dad place... we do have a good chat, dont we?
dont be worry, hope everything will be fine... i will be there for u as usual... ^.^

somehow i been thinking of u like i always do.. but i try to aviod things that related to u... am i running away?

my teeth is killing me...

2010-08-20T00:39:00.000+08:00

dental appointment

dont get to shocked to see all this...

anydate before 02.09.10 go for x-ray $120 for both side
02.09.10-$100
06.09.10~$320 my four tooth gona be gone for the day! and the person was shock that i just want do 4tooth at a day.. and i think i am mad. i dont want to wait... really dont want
09.09.10-$100
16.09.10-$300
23.09.10-$350 upper tooth gona be hurt
30.09.10-$325 lower tooth gona be hurt...

even my one month salary isnt enough for al this...
what to do?
i still have to pay for my own bill, $80...
step mother and xiu ling money...>< not paid

so here come my only solution
loss weight, actually is so called of not eating... save up the money...
hmmmmm, shall tried this, every morning- $0.50 suger donut :) from house downstair, but another for lunch. bring 3bottle to work/school. eat cheap sweet... people say eat sweet so you wont feel that hungry... water help alot too... just that u need go toilet more oftens... :> bring some fruits/snack from home... XDD one week can only spent $10 and below... if xin wanna eat fast food for dinner, i go mac and getapple pie $1... ^.^ instead of going work at 3, i shall work full during sunday...

but after all, it will still not enough... really feel some kind of hopeless...
people kept asking me about situration that i hate to answer... especially those KPO... mmy now not the time of being angry, but thinking how to get money... should i do those work that everyone week can get money? but what type of job? hais...

2010-08-18T23:40:00.000+08:00

everything seriously get me unto my nerve!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
damn it damn it damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
those people who arent in this matter/incident act like they are there and spread rumours everywhere... dont let me meet those idiot guys or else i wont be gentle to all of u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i feel like shouting at something, the anger in my body is burning like crazy. so it wont be nice if now i start to confront people...
is it wrong to answer people question????????????????? and just because of it, thing like a fire burn non stop anmd now force me! i just want my right! because i didnt even do ANYTHING it just came out all the sudden!
STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID DAMN STUPID.

get scolding from edger wen i used phone when there is not even a single customers just because he got scolding ytd from boss because peiling and croco using phone. and he say he want to msg boss and he said HE DONT CARE. and i shoot him back saying, I DONT CARE AT ALL! and shouted at him to have my break! slamp the door give a shit face. when i sell away crstal ear phone then talk nicely to me, what is this? I AM UR DOG? LIKE IT TALK TO ME, DONT LIKE IT THEN SCOLD ME? NOW I KNOW WHY SO MANY PEOPLE DISLIKE YOU AND QUIT THIS IDIOTIC JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i will move out of this house once i am 18 years old. i hate to see my mom, use money to threaten me, dont damn it...
my mood is no much better and you adding oil to it dont make me really shout at you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

everything turn crazy!

nsfghvz.dkbcuzdivjhS:KUhgbf;skd

2010-08-18T02:10:00.000+08:00

although i am really tired... but i must read finish what had happen before i sleep...

P.L came to head phone gallery because edger ask her to as 2nd floor lack of people and mary need pass something to aunty pat. then went she reached she saw a man was really unhappy because somehow the product had got problem. but she didnt know anything so she just ask me, so i told her the product got some problem, and it look different from anothe same model product... i did not say it is FAKE****
so after mary pass the paper to P.L and did not say anothing, off she left..
all the sudden mary recieve a call and look unhappy, i know oit related to be cause she say she want to talk to me and patricia.
patricia msg me saying aunty pat scold her because i said the product that has problem is fake!!!then i reply her i didnt even say its fake and she got me and mary in to deep troble...
and next moment she called, and said she almost cry when aunty pat scold her and she push the blame to me... somemore patricia said, aunty pat called mary to scold her infront of patriacia, and talk about fire us and rubbish...

aunty pat call back and want me to go office... when i reached office me and aunty pat was quarrel like mad... she kept talking and talking without wanting to listen to me so i shouted at her, i think i did over my limit so my tear drop out... and she was shocked and told me not to shout so i told her in a angry tone that u never even listening to me and she keep talking...
then she say okay, allowed me to talk... so i start from the begining on what happen and half way she nag again... so i was about to ask patricia to come and aunty pat just say it. so i called...

while waiting, aunty pat went back to her seat saying that we love to go office to fight with her... at that very moment i feel like shouting at her again, but i tlold mysle to claim down, and later will talk back her about it...

when patricia reached, she stated to nag again, and i cant get my point right of being accuse by them... and putting mary in this whole incident which has nothing to do with her.
aunty pat blame me when she talk to patricia, blame patricia when she talk to me... she ask question and the answer is all there... she have no sense of linking things together...

patricia with her big mouth say thing which are not true out side the office with others coustomers outside so aunty pat was really mad... this i understand, but what got to do with me when i never even say its fake!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she blame me for answering patricia question.. and said patricia is being KPO...

when lady boss was there, aunty pat suddenly tone down and act like a dog, worst than my dog, before that patricia show attuide then aunty pat say her, and patricia reply saying, i will fight for my right... and lady boss there she immdediatly like a dog too!!!!

so i shoot back aunty pat since she dont want to clear my right!
i say if you were my stuff will u like it if i tell uto zip ur mouth? she said sorry for that.
next i said, you think we love to come office and quarrel with you? and her reaction was like afraid lady boss would scold her...
i countinued saying about she want to fired me, i say clearly i dont mind you fired me seriously, i dont care but stop using ur fire this words...

patricia tone down and like a dog listening to what lady boss say, and act like she understand... and she say she mind being fire cause she need money, (for her goods) i saw aunty pat was laughing at her... she looked and sound like an idiot...

so lady boss keep saying my charactor wanting to make things right and stuff, lthat not even my main point!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so i ask her then whyscold mary, she is not even in this picture.. she say oh i am not scolding her, just want her to correct you all... yeah right!

i seriously hate it and the more i type the more i feeling very meaningless...

when we left the office, i shouted at pritricia right in her face saying, you are good at turining ur words hor?

LOok, i cry not because i am guilty because i got nothing to be guilty of. its because i over reacting... next, none of you all clear the misunderstand of accusing me, so i can i just leave it aside? and i really cant continue see both of u act talk like a tiger act like a dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now i know ur big mout is for harming and getting people into trouble...

i reached head phone gallery, i cried because i feel back that mary get scolding, but mary told me its okay and she look fine, this made me feel more like crying... because i feel like i owe her... and she confort me saying she used to it... if i know all this would happen, i wont have told the big mouth what had happen... i should have know when she started talking she wont stop and make ting like very big but its not that big after all...

when i wanted to call elene i accidentally type wrong number untill i realise it M1 user... i didnt know, ur number just pop out of mind... sorry><><

now i know why sometimes u will talk behind xin ying back, because u want me to talk behind the back so to break the friendship, u are too evil... but u never get ur motive right... because i had no reaction... and she told xin ying about my back too... playing games with us huh?!
it wont bve fun!

to you who may no longer love me

2010-08-16T01:58:00.000+08:00

i slowly reflex,
i know i wasn't humble, i know i am always do back to others who make me unhappy, i know i always nasty, i know u will say my heart is harden. not contented with things around, expecting more... demanding with things and problem.

i bring all this around with me, even in our relationship.

i used to think it was u that hurt me, who bring me to this stage, even times when i say it wasnt u, actually i just want u to feel bad, but the fact is that i pushing all the blame to you. but i never thought actually i hurt you the same way you had hurt me.
am i selfish?

i never want to know how hurt u feel ever since the last time we broke up, i only focus on how hurt i am, and i want you to know. for this i did wrongly. i am sorry.

boon jun said in a relationship is to built each other towards Christ-like, being a supportor to you, i know i failed doing that. i become a distraction to u. that is not loving. i am sorry.

you always said love is trust, but i was a jealous person, i cant bring myself to trust you when you are with the girls, and i once told kai neng this, you always tried to make me feel sercure when you are with girls. and he said i was so blessed to have you before. but i never thought you will become so tired. what i care was only me feeling secure. untill the day zhen ying told me that you are happy yet tired because i was overly concern and get jealous easily over you.
i failed to give you my trust and yet bring you all the tiredness you had never told me this. i am sorry.

after your O level, you have to serve in LSBC and time spent lesser same goes to our communication. somethings you told me i couldnt understand neither have i tried to understand what is your reason behind, what i do was never say sorry, asume that i was right. and this make our relationship tougher. i told elene about the time that you prayed for the person death, you want to delievered a good news to me, ended up everything become so bitter. i cried, i ask elene what to do. because the more i hear explainatiion, the more i feel diffcult. and i realise i misunderstand you. being a girlfriend of urs, i should have seat down and understand what is your reason behind, but i missed out this importane part, i am sorry.

you are a busy person, to me, you are my boyfriend, my honey, so i always expect you to meet me even when you are real busy... each time when we were about to meet, i always get so excited and hoping to see you as soon as posible, because each time i see you, whether is it sad happy or even just a normal day, within it, i know i am happy enough. but you had too much things on going, chances of meeting you getting lesser and lesser, and i getting bitter and bitter... next i will cold war with you, because i just want to get a little more attention from you than any other things... but i never contented that atleast you tried ur best to meet up with me whether is it late at night when there is no bus operating. quarrel over time, you had tried to tell me to understand you more, but i am too much of myself that i never really tried to understand you. i am sorry,

i always complain that you did some stuff to other of your ex's yet not me. looking at those small picture of you in this relationship, i blamed you, but when i look at the big picture, i started to realise actually you do more than you should. i always want to be better than any other of your ex's, because within it, i afraid of losing any part of you... secretly cry also dont want ot let you know how insecure when you told me how good your ex's is... i dont want to to lose to them the position in your heart. sorry for being such a fool... really sorrry....

times when you said i never tell you how i actually feel... you know i do hide all this from you, not because i dont want you to know, but is becausse i have no courage to tell you all this... i fear... so i have no other chioce, but to keep it all in... i didnt mean it... i should have shared with you since i am your girlfriend... i am lousy at confessing such things. sorry for not having that courage...

lastly is because i love you more than i love God, so i know God keep back the relationship, because He jsut want each one of us to be His own...
God sorry i failed to be a good children of urs and that the reason why i failed to be a supportor of li xian.
i know you been sending Elene to delieved this msg, but i am a foolish person that i never get your point right, that is why i ended become so mesery...
i ask for Your forgivn, and behalf of this failed relationship, i ask for your grace if this is according to ur purpose. Forgive both of us and let us just be Yours just like the reason that You had created us. You want us to enjoy Your creation and the most importantly is to have the everlasting relationship just with You. why untill now then i get the point?
sorry Lord. and thank for the birthday gift that You allowed it to happen although it didnt end up right.

beiyi-113 girl

ni bu hui - S.H.E

2010-08-15T11:40:00.000+08:00

i read and read and re read, i know u are referring me...
the more i think the more i read the more i feel so scare. i dont know where the fear come from, but somehow i couldnt function properly... feeling really trouble...
i tired to distract how i feeling inside out. but u know each words from is so hurting?
u ever said u love me after the position of God and before all ur friends, but u had never tell me u will forsake all ur friend for me, but u said for somebody else. how should i react then is the best? i feel so so troubled by it and i really mind...
u wasnt the one who made me fall, its mi... i dont expect u to pick me up although i really do hope, but i know it will never happen again. and i dont decided to stand up already.
i know, its easy for u to stand up, each time u sleep u will just forget all the unhappiness, but that doesn't goes the same to me. each morning i wake up i need to tell myself u are already gone and its the rest of my life. how hurt it could be, no body understand.
everyone will just blame me for being in this stage. its my fault that i couldnt stand up on my own feet. its my fault that i never grow up, its my fault to disappoint all of u...
what can i still do? i am sorry.
because i cant even recognize myself now.

past week when i took the same bus with pei yang, he ask me, is me and iswan tgt. the fact that me and him are not tgt, although i know that the girls didnt say much about me and him text and talk in between lesson or outside the lecture room but i know u all have doubt between me and iswan, i used project as a reason, not that is not true but just dont want any one misunderstand... the guys been saying and the class know about it, but between us, we were just bestfriend... no matter how close we get, in my mind he was just my friend. but somehow quit thankful that he do concen about my facebook comments and instead of being sad with me, he just happy and make my mood better... so he become one of the small distraction...

aiming to get a laptop by this two months... tried my best to earn enough money for dental fees, hp bills and internet bills... return stepmother and xiu ling each $200
$50hp bill
internet-$30
dental$250
laptop$850 to $1000
then save money to buy clothes from chota. jacket from nike... ha ha ha in a millions years

cao ren bu hui fei

2010-08-09T20:13:00.000+08:00

u said depress have a time, i know u trying to say it time for me to stop depressing...
u want me to repent by saying sorry to wanting and post on facebook that i am sorry for scolding *fuck. and lastly read a verse in the bible.. then u will resume bible study with me..
u blame my failure relationship,
LOOK,
i really dont want anyone to blame him for this broken relationship, now the stage i am in got nothing to do with him, neither do i want to cry in front of u... i was to blame..
u ask mi why have i become like this? i really dont know,no body know ethier, i left with no reaction..
u know actually i do still interested to God? but i really dont know how to express it out...
u are disappointed with my sin, then what can i still do?
u know sometimes when u saysome stuff really hurt? but i act like i really dont care?
i had already try not to put him in my mind as always, what u stil want me to do?
what then is best to u, when i already that worst to u...
u gave up on me. u said everyone very worrie, but what for?

2010-07-26T17:46:00.000+08:00

sometimes maybe being alone, thinking of nothing will make one feel better?
too many promises had made, but how many really happen?
too many memories, how many still stayed?
too many word, which are truth?
it's confusing... it's hurts... it'somthing but somhow nothing too...
there is love, but it seem like it had come to an end... even you had change, things just cant go back like before... but why?
there is so so much things that i cant simply explain and i couldn't find any answer to it either.
both are hurts, both move on, one could just let go but another cant. one cry another act nothing. one pretend to be happy, another happily accept anything that comes along.
but after all, how do both really feel within? no body know? no matter how much they have be counselled but it's doesnt seem to take away their pain.
if 1 day they had invent something that can takee away all memories. i will save and work for it.
because i love you too much, more than anothing else, i have to keep them in a safe place and leave them alone. let it be like a secret, no much people know about 113 bus story.
no body knows about how blessed the girl once had been. let it not fade like a history do but kept in where no body knows. even the girl who went it through knows nothing. not that she had forgotteen, but because she want him to live hapily withiut the 113 memories.

2010-07-25T10:42:00.000+08:00

thers is so many unhappy things in the world... somebody just told me that the husband run away from home and never com back.
next they say some even outside got woman
and what should i expect next?
why those man always be the one who hurt, and why would the woman be the one who suffer from the hurts and pain within? who know how do they feel? why its isnt like how God created it to be? love is not 1 plus1... then what? after seperation everything eveporated?and gone forever?
i wondered where does all the tear when after they had drop? i wondered how lonely one or i can be? i wondered why i feel this way? is it because i care this much?
everything become confusing... everything make mi lost... everything make mi like nothing.
when would i ever had the chance again to say
I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU this much?
i should hate you, i should forget u, i should even stop waiting. but why cant i?
they say guy would move on, maybe because they are not that hurts after all... i just couldn't understand... everything cant just only explain..
jay Chou old songs, simple love... i thought love suppose to be simple, i realise its isn't that simple after all... to say in a positive way, u need to work on, to say in a negative way, only if you have the time.
isn't that sound just right? BOY are the same... they cant settle their heart, they love challenge, once they saw pretty girls, they forget the one who really love them.
DISAPPOINTED...

2010-05-13T16:00:00.000+08:00

life just move on even when you lose something importane... the more unhappy you are, the more you need to be happy outside... in order to be happy, you need to achieve something that you never have... being pretty searching for the best, something have got to done... but at the end of the day, what's inside is just like an empty shell...

things that are need to be done, or had already done.
booked chalet
planing for food
ordered food from bbq house
study for exam
training for mission trip
chee hong weddings' dress
and many others thing to be done... SIAN!!!!!!!!!

bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei bei
it's time to open your eye big big le... stop sleeping

and hope wont see the two stalker in bus 72.... PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE

我愛他丁噹 Lyrics

2010-04-16T18:52:00.000+08:00

他的輕狂留在某一節車廂
地下鐵裡的風比回憶還重
整座城市一直等著我
有一段感情還在漂泊

對他唯一遺憾是分手那天
我奔騰的眼淚都停不下來
若那一刻重來我不哭
讓他知道我可以很好

*我愛他轟轟烈烈最瘋狂
我的夢狠狠碎過卻不會忘
曾為他相信明天就是未來
情節有多壞都不肯醒來

我愛他跌跌撞撞到絕望
我的心深深傷過卻不會忘
我和他不再屬于這個地方
最初的天堂最終的荒唐*

如果還有遺憾又怎麼樣呢
傷了痛了懂了就能好了嗎
曾經依靠彼此的肩膀
如今各自在人海流浪

我愛他轟轟烈烈最瘋狂
我的夢狠狠碎過卻不會忘
逃不開愛越深越互相傷害
越深的依賴越多的空白
該怎麼去愛

*我愛他轟轟烈烈最瘋狂
我的夢狠狠碎過卻不會忘
曾為他相信明天就是未來

情節有多壞都不肯醒來

我愛他跌跌撞撞到絕望
我的心深深傷過卻不會忘

我和他不再屬于這個地方
最初的天堂最終的荒唐*

如果還有遺憾是分手那天
我奔騰的眼淚都停不下來

若那一刻重來我不哭

讓他知道我可以很好

what can I still post about when i miss you many many much?

2010-04-16T18:30:00.000+08:00

Hey guys, or sayang or darling or whatever u want me to call you...
can you stop questioning me? Yes , 3weeks of holiday i did not contact you all, but must you all keep saying and did you all contact me? so what the problem? anything to say about it?
I may be noisy, may talk a lot but that doesnt mean i have to entertain you guys, that is not my responsibility neither its my mission. i do have quite and down moment, and it doesnt mean i need to share. i have got nothing to share about. when i m noisy, you all will just say, here i comes again and laugh... when i m down, dun feel like talking, you guys ask what happen so what you really want from me? you said i m not caring, i know i was not interested in most of things you all share, but look, i am always willing to listen. but now is that you all are not sharing so what the problem? and i dun want to know either. i m just not in the topics that you guys love about...
you are right, i always leave you guys... you said i am busy... i have got bible study, meet my friend... whether is it sec or pri, but is it nice to say that in front of me? kidding or not, i dun care. because in the first place i did not value much of you all. just friend and will passes. so stop complaining. i knoe i am lousy, not the perfect person you all want from a friend. SO????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
just keep your freaking mouth shut!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i want no more, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-04-13T14:21:00.000+08:00

i am still working to do my best... even though sometimes u hurt but it doesnt matter... i know u struggle like i do but why dun u share with me? just want to tell u that i still be there for u and want to love u no matter how it goes. u have given me ur best, more than u should... thank you.. will i ever call you what i use to? hope ur back dun hurt and trust in God always... i love you

Two is better than One

2010-04-09T18:10:00.000+08:00

The camp is so good... Thank You for reminding me about Our relationship and i must do domething about it...
stepping out the camp i am a different person...
i will send the last text wishing you the best and will train hard to get out of distraction and hope it take time to heal... it's does still athough it's happen few months ago... not using my own strenght but God's strenght

2010-03-22T21:41:00.000+08:00

thank for making me happy this few days... it's clear and i love it this way... XDD

good that i know new friends and thing may seem up and down but i had try my best to distract the pain within me...

people say i had change. both good and bad. but it alright cos i dun want to be Ong beiyi anymore...

2010-03-19T15:36:00.000+08:00

i dun want to hurt you, neither do i like what is happening now. no body can take the pain away.

i never stop loving you but i dun want to hope for anything as nothing will ever happen again.

your this year resolution and birthday wish and those lovely words will still remains in my heart and i will keep it properly...

He Is Good Steve Green

2010-03-17T21:33:00.000+08:00

This holiday!

I want, ....

1week for God...

work, save money to buy more clothes, Nike track shoe, bag...

running, basketball, sun tenned, lose weight. and finally study well...

running really helps to distract the feelings within me without you by my side.

My Lord is good, the unconditional love and it's endure forever.

That what i need and want to focus on. I Love You.

2010-03-08T20:02:00.000+08:00

whatever the case is, it seem like you are making me confuse of making clear... no doubt that i had never change towards you but it seem still unripe.
it great to know what is on your mind generally, and i could feel the joy within me and i guess God will be really happy too.
i guess i am thinking too much and guess you are no longer love me bah...................................................................................................................................................

2010-03-05T21:42:00.000+08:00

I move house back to potong pasir finally....
No more hougang...

2010-03-04T18:58:00.000+08:00

Seeing you having a good life without me enjoying your every sec with others i feel dying.

i rather God take me away now than allowing me see how is it like after the broke up.

If God love me would You allow me to end everything because i am struggling through and having said that i am already half dead.

ONG BEIYI IS NO LONGER THERE! HER HEART HAD NO LONGER FUNCTION. SHE ALI VE YET SHE IS DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF YOU EVER SEE ME, PRETEND YOU DUN EVEN KNOW ME.

WANT A BETTER LFE FORGET ME OR TREAT AS I AM DEAD.

A KNIFE CAN KILL WHY IT DOSENT KILL ME?

2010-03-04T13:48:00.001+08:00

alright, today i skip school and buy MC! because i wanna jog... using my own ang pao to see doctor just for 3 medicine and 2MC for nafa and today... so not get any warning letter. michelle and i meet at puggol park and we run for sometimes and i'm using my last bit of my red packet to treat her sakae because she treat mi pizza hut...

run away my pain my stress and everything. but not those wonderful memories!

food test i got C then B and then ???? no A yet...

scholarship interview quite okay... God bless lots...

in my heart can i say your position never change?

lots of regret being such a fool for being a princess which i am not and do not know how to love and treasure you properly.

Shit ONG BEIYI! you DAMN IT********************** and freaking for hurting those who love you!

no concerning please!

2010-02-26T16:58:00.000+08:00

it been so long that i have not blog or ANYTHING...

Life changes, i cant say it bad nor it good, but will i still have the courage to say God is still good when it hurting inside and depress?

Am i fighting a battle within myself or actually God?

it never fails to have a joyful feeling whenever i think back to those time when i have with the 1 i love, and next is the feeling of sadness and depress then i will start crying and just seat a corner not to think anything and stare a the blank space...

it no one to blame seriously, it just God want us back to Him without getting distracted.

"Good marriage waited."

"A right person will come at a right time when both are ready."

Are those words just comforting me so i could move on and hand him over to Father?

Where is my trust?

Where is the Beiyi?

Why does sub-personality occur ?

And why am i asking those question?

I miss you a lot seriously, even how much i laugh and get very well in my class... you been good? God have continue bless you? Your life have change for Him?

You are a strong and firm person, who always think what's the best, But is the best for God?

Raining heavily, just like how i feeling now...

chopstick, chopstick, chopstick....

I want to get new phone, get new number, get new e-mail, new facebook account, and get a new beiyi to forget what had happen in the past so i wont hate myself and feel the pain that i'd allowed.

BUT,

HOW LONG CAN I RUN?

4 years in PL

2009-10-20T09:58:00.000+08:00

sec 1 when mommy bring mi to a new school of my choice with excitement, i thought it will be a new beginning of another chapter of my life, yes it is and i grown up to be different...

The first girl who i know is kar yun during those stupid 1st week... and she was my new good friend and walk out of school tgt and talk... Next i got to seat with dun noe which girl and i knew Carine when i turn my head to borrow stuff from her... next maybe is cheryl? starting i keep calling you cherry ha ha and we become best friend... cheryl will alway say joshu ang her boyfriend and i will say shawn lee... haha... den cheryl will sometimes go out with mi to hougang and you saw i receive de first rose from my first bf... it amazing... then recess time when staircase to play catching and kar yun is de catcher always... my second and third ear hole appeared... den ppl unhappy with den quarrel start...

i never know behind my back you told Ms s.. my bad stuff and infront of mi keep asking why Ms s.. dun like us seat tgt... our table always de most messy, book all over place... because of some stupid ear hole stuff you dare not talk to mi cause you scare tat you might be like mi and i never know... we always hide from others how close we can get... and plan our separate way after school to meet outside... i always take song from you and in front of mi u never complain but yet, you did in front of others... u always ask mi are u like a mouse and you scare tis scare tis and tat but now there is no fear in u anymore... i do miss talking to you 1 on 1, do miss sharing food and those wonderful memories with you, BUT YOU HAD DESTROY ALL... i dun noe is my fault or both, but sec1 de you is the short hair and always enjoy playing with mi silly things...

sec 2 i never know some one like you will lend mi 80 over dollars for my pink phone... all you red packet have gone to my phone... and I'm sorry i took 1 year to return you... you crush on a xin hua pri guy, you doubt mi... and i faithfully show you all de msg he send yet you still ask xin ying to check on mi... i accidentally drop your phone, i know you heart pain but i said sorry and it really a accident and wat you did is tell everyone tat i purposely and say about tat xin hua guy... i got scolding then wat u did? sec3 i could see tat you really are on to guy... and i say no more.. well no much comments... sec 4... not much communication

The friendship is gone, it is not like a wind tat never fails to come back... This is wat you choose and i accepted it... But Carine you can run hard for watever you want, but are you happy? the emptyness is still there... Do think far before action starts... feel free to chat with mi, if not then i wish you all the best...

sec 1 you are my best friend... sometime i dun feel bored because you was there with mi... event early in the morning talk to mi while i was on my way to school... you listen mi and shared with mi your stuff too... de catching really very fun... sometimes you stay back with mi or go find kai neng or michelle with mi... we run 2.4KM tgt during sec 1...

thank you...

but our friendship stopped during sec 2... somehow things went wrong somewhere... who is the fault no longer de main point... someone join us, from 3 to 4 ppl in this group... you send a sorry msg to mi as you feel bad (during sec 2 June holiday if you rmb)... i tried to bring the sec1 friendship back as i talk to you outside class but i feel weird when she is there... so i gave up... you know how much i do miss you past year and so? but kind of meaningless and now it still left bits here and there... you said i could talk to you during CCA but wat de point? i cant read ur mind... I'm sorry, cheryl...

during sec2 end dec holiday then started to know you and now becoming more like you le.. XDD look for job tgt and tat was the day tat huan rong and i break... we talk and have alot of fun... even celebrate my birthday together and took many nice nice picture XDD sec 3 some how quarrel because of carine thing... sorry for not being so clear to you and i tot you understand... but we get back tgt XDD DnT was real fun to have you around event Mr Go join us saying sill stuff... although we have different view during some point of life but we are still close than ever... you said if you got de hair fashion design course then you will help mi for my wedding, dun forget hor... when we both come tgt we can really become like mad woman laughing on streets, town or anyway that can make noise... de times when i teach you math, actually u learnt fast just lazy and kills your brain when come to math... wont stop contacting and continue to share our happy or sad stuff tgt and enjoy laughing with each other again and again...

you said you understand wat i have been sharing to you... and you believe... but i still wish you will convert oneday and i will rejoice... and must have more patience hor! no more violent as you know it never works and never stop sharing secret.... I LOVE YOU and will MISS YOU when we no longer in de same class or even school... dun cry baby XPP

you have give mi many many wonderful times and momeries... our photo can tells everything!

sec1 didnt know you were same CCA as mi... ha ha when i know i feel happy cause atleast i got a partner to talk with... sec 2, thank you for being with mi as you know those quarrel i have started very badly... you never change and always tell mi alot of stuff that you went through or see through... never fail to share secret with u although sometimes a little boring but still enjoy de days with... you know my pattern very well and know wat next i will do... i could say with u thing are really peace, like we never fight before... serious... you can accept thing very fast but i couldnt... somehow i learnt alot from you, de patience you have really touched mi... there is still many thing i want to learnt from you... the innocent you make mi really want to be like you... XDD the way you treat everyone always so nice and kind... you very simple and you are happy with almost everthings you got... you always say i greedy and you are always the oppsite of greedy and LIM ah ma is the sec 2 playing fighting chess came about... remember? you also enjoy laughing at all de stupid thing i had done and always treat mi so well... XDD Thank you Nicole... dun stop contacting at sec 2 hor, must meet during high tea and all XDD ha ha...

although there is still many more to say but i think it better to stop here because all de main point i have already here...

all the best to my class... ai yo really got more leii ha ha...

2009-05-22T18:51:00.000+08:00

tired tired tired...
sian.................................................................................
where is beiyi????????????????????????????????
same or not?????????????????????????????????
please dun compare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just dun like it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
things not going to be the same!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
let me rest please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
bye~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

it great to have you by myside!

2009-05-01T19:51:00.000+08:00

well, it may 2009...

time been running and running... but it great to have the time running with you because it always so meaningful...

i never expect thing to happen so well and great and all this is really a surpise or a gife to me... you know i do treasure the time when you were with me!

dun stop and keep going!
let's continue work hard tgt!

2009-04-01T17:24:00.000+08:00

What can i still say??? mi being a fool, because it april fool? ha ha ha ha ha ha, funny, NO... WHAT A DAY I GOT!!!

If time could go back, i wish i never moved to hougang so that i can stayed at potong pasir... i was i am still primaey 6, i wish there no stress ahead... i wish i dun have to care who i like or love... i wish there is no me... but NO never happen, i cant change my past but only can move forward???

off phone off phone off phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!